~~set me free comme une hirondelle~~

--- i created a new blog somewhere else. if you want to keep following me or you think the shit i write has some sense to it, just ask me/msg me for the link. otherwise, goodbye those who have read this blog, and those who secretly use it to know me. thank you for your silent support.

It hurts
Everytime I think of him
I imagine sexual release
I imagine strong prtoection
I imagine me being the one he thinks is the only one.
It hurts
To not kno I am th only one
Hell, there could beanother one tomorrow
And I would have to deal with it and accept it
I'm not doing okay
I'm a mess
But I'm more hyper and happy looking than usual
Its like a phase called denial
But I know that IT is ovr
I just dont want us to be over
Us meaning
Our communication
Our unerstanding
Since he broke up
He hasn't initiated one conversation
I dont even know if he really cares
Even as a friend
It really hurts.
But I guess this is how he has been feeling this whole time.
Again, karma hits me back.
Im so lonely :(

I feel numb, and yet my heart hurts with every palpitation.
I love him.. but am I still inlove?
I only deserved what I got.
I looked into his eyes,
We didn't have to speak
I just knew.
I started crying,
He hugged me
I told him I wanted him to leave.
It wasn't true,
I wanted him to stay forever,
But I didnt want to seem vulnerable,
Or make him feel bad by crying.
He then proceeded to a getting fucked weekend.
Today he called me baby, I asked him not to.
We still love each other,
We know each other more than ayone else.
But this long distance couldn't work,
He can't do it anymore.
We haven't been doing it,
And i really want to change
I want another chance
But its too late.
Its over.
Its over.
I cant beilive its over.
I miss him, his ways, his breath...
Oh dear.
Its for the best, just keep telling yourself that.
I need to keep busy.
I lost the one thing that was keeping me alive...
Now I have to learn to live for myself, and have fun.
Save me from myself..
Im so heartbroken ahhh
And they all saw it coming.
:(

Lost
Without my best friend
Without my boyfriend
Without dignity
And a fire drive
To get me to be proud
Of something
No accomplishments
I used to say
At least I have them
Now I say
At least Im alive
How morbid of me
To think this is
Only what life gives
I can do so much
And I still stand
Unsober
Unprepared
For myself
To become.
I rely on others
On things that
shouldnt be in control
How dumb of me
To think
of anything other
Than my future
How dumb of me
To stirr fights
With the people
I love most.
Maybe thats why
Im here
To create conflict
To show people
That there is someone worse
To show
To give an example
Of someone who
Had everything
And made it into nothing
Who had the world
Who had the friends
The love
and Who
Overtime
Became selfish as hell
And descended on herself.
I have little to be proud of
To recognize
In myself.
I have friends
But they dont know me now
They dont know who I am
Who ive become
What
Ive become
Its easy to pity
But not easy to help
And I feel
Like no one can help
But just pity me.
And I dont want pity
I want help
Because overtime
Of soul searching
I have determined,
that I am too weak
to help myself.
Im a loser, who
Plays to win
By cheating
By skipping to the end
By waiting
For something to happen.
Im not a winner.
I still smile, or try to,
For those who need
The warmth I know
To display.
I cry inside,
Knowing that its all on me,
And that fixing this
Is bigger than a small change.
Rebirth.

Down a misty foggy road
Wait - is it even a road
Maybe a muddy path
Leading to nowhere
So down that path
The wheels keep moving
Along it, waiting
For the end
Trying to move
Getting stuck
In in the mist
Of the foggy Path.
Or is it even a path?

Picture this,
A vicious cycle where the end is the beginning of something else and so and so, but theres a tiny gap in the circle that keeps the current flowing slowly.
I picture this as me.
The cycle is, obviously, my life.
The gap is my lack of stimulation and will power.
The center of this forbidden circle is where I am now.
Im such a waste of air... of money.
Why am I even doing this to myself.
It could be so easy.... so easy...
I guess I just have to accept the fact that I'll never be like them, and that I'll always be another one, one that thinks outside the box but does nothing with it and when has access to the inside of the box just sits and uses space.
GAH
I'll feel better in 3 days.

i have no words to describe the way i currently feel
im too ashamed of so many things to admit them to my parents, to my friends, to myself, so i decide to ignore them and assume who i am.
truth is, im angry and really really frustrated, feeling depression come over me inch by inch as i sink deeper.
this paper was the one thing i had set for myself to do in advance, but as the days went by and i got carried away in my nothingness, i slouched and here i sit, 16 hours before the due time with zero words to my count of paper and no clue where to begin. i have all my sources and my stuff set out before me, im at the library (first time ever) and im finding every excuse not to start this, including blogging about how should be writing it.
im so lost and confused about this. about everything. and im the only one to blame and that, my friend, is the utmost worst thing right now. i hate myself, and if it wasnt for the future i promis myself to change i would vanish in thin air. im so tired of this all. AHHHHHHHH

teen angst
comedowns
confusion.
im spiralling downards, with so many colours everywhere attracting my attention.
im like the sailor who couldn't resist the beautiful mermaids' songs and then got eaten up because they were really monsters in the story of Odessey.
im like the one who jumped off the cliff but shot myself in the brain before hitting the bottom.
I am destroying myself.
I am ruining my own life.
Oh but the ecstasy of being free... oh the power of feeling ecstatic and reaching ultimate euphoria.
oh but the comedown, the thinking about it.
i love, i hate, i feel, i puke.
i wish someone took me off this planet and put me on a lonely star for a thousand years and sceramed at me saying: ''Look! Look! You know nothing. You have accomplished nothing, and now you're aloen to reflect on what you have NEVER done"
Well, if heaven or hell exists, that is probably what I'll be told in the end.
Oh man. I need a light. SOMETHING.
Well, I'm going to study now. See you when I change.

All the rhythm in my soul is gone... I'm in trouble
With so much worry on my mind
And lost.. can't find the way to go
I don't know
Left or right, or up or down
In or out or do I turn around
I don't know
But this is killing me
Is this the way that it's supposed to be
I feel like I am going crazy
This is not me
I may be here tomorrow
But I don't know
I don't know
I may be here tomorrow
Who knows
I don't know
I'm feeling so down, down, down, down
that I'm way under the ground
yeah yeah yeah
said im feeling so down, down, down, down
That i'm way under the ground
That i'm way under the ground
Let that cloud of rain come over my head
And pour all over me
Purify my body, spirit and mind
I never meant it to turn out like this
I'm a mess with no way out of this loneliness
No way, see I've walked through every single doorway
No way, I've driven down every single highway
No way, I'm swimming through the oceans, rivers, lakes and bays
There's no way
Oh I've tried his way and her way and my way
There's still no way
I may be here tomorrow, but I don't know
I don't know
I may be here tomorrow, but who knows
See I don't know because
I've been feeling so down, so down
That I'm way under the ground
See see, I'm way under the ground
I'm feeling so down, down, down, down, down
I'm way under the ground (I'm way under the ground)
Oh so when the sun comes up I'll still be down
Because I still ain't got nobody here around
To lift me off my hands and knees
I'm begging mercy, mercy, mercy
When the moon comes up I'll still be down
Because I still ain't got nobody else around
To lift me off my hands and knees
I'm screaming mercy, mercy
Oh I may be here tomorrow
But I don't know
See I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I may be here tomorrow
But I don't know
I don't know
Im lonely. Lost. Pretending. Lost.
Need something. Someone.

I'm minutes away from crashing everything.
I could do this SO easily.
If I had a schedule, if I went to bed at normal hours,
If I could wake up, If my room was clean.
But -
But I don't
I do everything a free child would do.
Play play eat sleep play play.
I tell myself this is amazing
and im licing in the illusion that it will be here forever.
But if I dont pull myself together,
I will not be able to live this,
I will be in my family's shame,
and I will be in dept to my stepfather and the bank for a good long time.
It will only take a month more of me acting like this to get me kicked right out the door.
I am below expectations where I have to be in the position to exceed them.
I let myself go so much mindlessly and put off important matters to tomorrow.
Always tomorrow.
Tomorrow I start again, Tomorrow I try, Tomorrow I this, Tomorrow I that.
What am I supposed to do with myself?
This is all my fault and there is no going back.
Carolyn and I are so alike that we feed off each other's similar state of mind to make excuses about slackign abd being hacks and bums.
I dont remember what feelign good about myself feels like
Feeling Pride.
Pride.
Pride for doing what?
Nothing.
I have so many interesting subjects at my disposal, books filled with information that would make raju even look uncultures.
And yet, I take this 1500 a month residence for granted, this 8000 education as a daily heavy burden, and the fact that I'm free as my easy pass.
I'm 18, an adult...
And adult, my ass.
I am worthless and not meant for this... at least I know it.
I just want it all to stop.. now.. and I know I wont do it for the people in this with me, ma, sis, raj, (pa)
I need to take my life into my hands,
but how?
Im so lost, and it seems so easy, so why am I still doing this??
I dont understand myself anymore, who I have become.. my sense of living and my purpose in this cycle of life.
I need help, and yet Im having the best time ever (or so I make myself seem).
Its the wrong kind of place....... and im sitting on the fence to make myself get even somewhere far worse.