~~set me free comme une hirondelle~~

teen angst
comedowns
confusion.
im spiralling downards, with so many colours everywhere attracting my attention.
im like the sailor who couldn't resist the beautiful mermaids' songs and then got eaten up because they were really monsters in the story of Odessey.
im like the one who jumped off the cliff but shot myself in the brain before hitting the bottom.
I am destroying myself.
I am ruining my own life.
Oh but the ecstasy of being free... oh the power of feeling ecstatic and reaching ultimate euphoria.
oh but the comedown, the thinking about it.
i love, i hate, i feel, i puke.
i wish someone took me off this planet and put me on a lonely star for a thousand years and sceramed at me saying: ''Look! Look! You know nothing. You have accomplished nothing, and now you're aloen to reflect on what you have NEVER done"
Well, if heaven or hell exists, that is probably what I'll be told in the end.
Oh man. I need a light. SOMETHING.
Well, I'm going to study now. See you when I change.

All the rhythm in my soul is gone... I'm in trouble
With so much worry on my mind
And lost.. can't find the way to go
I don't know
Left or right, or up or down
In or out or do I turn around
I don't know
But this is killing me
Is this the way that it's supposed to be
I feel like I am going crazy
This is not me
I may be here tomorrow
But I don't know
I don't know
I may be here tomorrow
Who knows
I don't know
I'm feeling so down, down, down, down
that I'm way under the ground
yeah yeah yeah
said im feeling so down, down, down, down
That i'm way under the ground
That i'm way under the ground
Let that cloud of rain come over my head
And pour all over me
Purify my body, spirit and mind
I never meant it to turn out like this
I'm a mess with no way out of this loneliness
No way, see I've walked through every single doorway
No way, I've driven down every single highway
No way, I'm swimming through the oceans, rivers, lakes and bays
There's no way
Oh I've tried his way and her way and my way
There's still no way
I may be here tomorrow, but I don't know
I don't know
I may be here tomorrow, but who knows
See I don't know because
I've been feeling so down, so down
That I'm way under the ground
See see, I'm way under the ground
I'm feeling so down, down, down, down, down
I'm way under the ground (I'm way under the ground)
Oh so when the sun comes up I'll still be down
Because I still ain't got nobody here around
To lift me off my hands and knees
I'm begging mercy, mercy, mercy
When the moon comes up I'll still be down
Because I still ain't got nobody else around
To lift me off my hands and knees
I'm screaming mercy, mercy
Oh I may be here tomorrow
But I don't know
See I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know
I may be here tomorrow
But I don't know
I don't know
Im lonely. Lost. Pretending. Lost.
Need something. Someone.

I'm minutes away from crashing everything.
I could do this SO easily.
If I had a schedule, if I went to bed at normal hours,
If I could wake up, If my room was clean.
But -
But I don't
I do everything a free child would do.
Play play eat sleep play play.
I tell myself this is amazing
and im licing in the illusion that it will be here forever.
But if I dont pull myself together,
I will not be able to live this,
I will be in my family's shame,
and I will be in dept to my stepfather and the bank for a good long time.
It will only take a month more of me acting like this to get me kicked right out the door.
I am below expectations where I have to be in the position to exceed them.
I let myself go so much mindlessly and put off important matters to tomorrow.
Always tomorrow.
Tomorrow I start again, Tomorrow I try, Tomorrow I this, Tomorrow I that.
What am I supposed to do with myself?
This is all my fault and there is no going back.
Carolyn and I are so alike that we feed off each other's similar state of mind to make excuses about slackign abd being hacks and bums.
I dont remember what feelign good about myself feels like
Feeling Pride.
Pride.
Pride for doing what?
Nothing.
I have so many interesting subjects at my disposal, books filled with information that would make raju even look uncultures.
And yet, I take this 1500 a month residence for granted, this 8000 education as a daily heavy burden, and the fact that I'm free as my easy pass.
I'm 18, an adult...
And adult, my ass.
I am worthless and not meant for this... at least I know it.
I just want it all to stop.. now.. and I know I wont do it for the people in this with me, ma, sis, raj, (pa)
I need to take my life into my hands,
but how?
Im so lost, and it seems so easy, so why am I still doing this??
I dont understand myself anymore, who I have become.. my sense of living and my purpose in this cycle of life.
I need help, and yet Im having the best time ever (or so I make myself seem).
Its the wrong kind of place....... and im sitting on the fence to make myself get even somewhere far worse.

We live because we are, and we do because we live.
The ones who just know what is always going on, have the feel to let their heart guide and those who understand we are ruled by only ourselves are the one that can make it through no matter what.
I have met so many people here who understand parts of me I didn't know I had.
I love the cold on my fingers.. sitting here in this park.
University boys are playing frisbee about 15 metres to my left, behind me is a the library and some pathways, in front is a sky with trees and a vast space for flying birds. The Red Hots are right for this moment.
Cant stop addicted to the shin dig!
I have slept little, done little work, but been getting by wihtout a tear everyday, with more smiles and laughter and learning than I have ever had.
I guess this is what I feel true happiness is : freedom of being me.
Going home was a reality check, the wave is just coming back though, taking me away from the firm shore little by little... yet again.
The autumn is here, the trees are red, orangem yellow, different shades of live green, and soem variations of all these combined. Its breath taking. And all complimented by the architecture around... how gorgeous.
It is cold though. There is no autumn temperature, it goes from summer to early winter and then snowy winter... then itll just be too horrible to describe.
I havent cut in a long time. I havent been too angry. I have sedated myself with others.
I know they think Im crazy, but everythign I am is everything I was taught to be.
I miss alex. So much. I love him. Baby... why are you so far. MY protector, my guardian angel.. thats a key part of me missing. Something is unreal about being here because Alex isnt here... yes ladies and gents, im still inlove :)
Beign away from the one you love makes you appreciate them even more when yo usee them, its like a christmas present times ten thousand because its so.. ah. best feeling.
So its cold.
I miss so much... Im a wreck.
Will I make it through this blurry labyrinth? Will my mother ever understand me? Will my father ever look further than his needs? Will my sister succeed so muc hbetter because I pretend I am to her? Will alex and i stay strong or will we fall under distance's urging pressure to seperate? Will I find my way, get back on track, lose weight, find good habits, and exercise?
I have so many questions... I have myself now. Thats all I ever needed.

We chill its ill
i wanna blast
the music i hear
like my heart
exploding of fear
i look ahead
not worrying
until i get creeper up
with someone behind me.

I'm looking right ahead.
And I see nothing.
A huge gap.
I see me changed, better, smarter, more serious, but I don't see the path I'm taking to get there.
I'm so excited for this whole new world, but at the same time, I feel like a child waiting to be tucked in by mommy.
I am leaving much behind, including my greatest love, a family and unforgettable friends.
I will try to take in as much new fun and friendships without forgetting the old ones, as I have done for other moves.
I will be alone.
:D
:D
:D
My summer was good, btw.... Hehehe

I do not know where the wind blows.
I do not know which way the river goes.
I have no clue about the tears of the wheeping willows.
And I never know if my emotion of the moment really shows.
I strive to understand the world around me,
And yet I feel lost and pushed away with no sympathy.
The things I think, the actions that have made me
Reflect a person I can barely see.
I'm not one of them, and I don't think I'm me.
I'm really angry at myself and everything,
and I feel like crying at every moment I seem to be sharing.
My fists clench my blood thickens and my ears ring,
This state of mania and hopelessness are drowning....
I feel frustrated at my mother, I feel annoyed by the rain,
I reject health issues and responsibility, and instead accept pain.
I feel happy when I smoke ganja, the rest of me is then put to shame.
I remember more moments of my life that are sad than there are happy ones..
How can I say that when I have had access to a million more emotions?
I feel angered that the momentum has passed...
Its starting to feel like it did, a moment to last.
But I will say strong, I will stand still,
Because that is what I always do and even though it looks like I give up, I am still going to Mcgill.
I want to be proud of myself and not care about her as I show off to,
But I pity my case and hate to hurt her and myself through and through.

I can't write anymore even though I have more to say,
I had such a bad day and such a bad night.
My math exam is on friday its wednesday night I haven't started studying and it includes 5 units.
I'm fucked.
I have to get a job before we leave for the summer or my mom is keeping me 15 extra days with my grandma in the middle of nowehre keeping me from people in toronto i will not see for so long, like um, my boyfriend?
Speaking of which, I dont know whats going on, but because of my anger I think we're getting annoyed with each other and its really sad caus thats how its always been with me and everyone else. We care too much for each other but it just results in keeping things or taking jokes too seriously. I don't know. I always fuck things up with guys anyways.
I leave Tuesday.
So it is the end, soon, so so soon.
Now I can release it.

i get bored of myself and my words easily.
i often change pictures on facebook and often revisit my description.
i like to change my own image of myself often, because i don't know what i like..
but i will find out.
i'm caught in a tunnel and i can see the light at the end, but the tunnel is long.
right now, this tunnel is drowning.
my mood swings due to lack of medication is scaring me,
but i feel like when i'm around my friends, those swings calm down,
or come up in forms of hyperness.
we're still so young and desperate for attention..

and all of a sudden... it comes back down on me like a knife.
this time, there is no catalyst.
its not often that this severe feeling comes with no catalyst.
everything is fine.. and yet i feel so sad and helpless..
fuck, its the meds isnt it?
havent taken them in a few days... i dont want to depend on something for myself.
but now i feel like shit.
i guess ill take one tomorrow...
but still... i feel like shit again.
tears come easily.
i havent felt this in a while, and it feels good to actually FEEL something..
aie aie aie.... i dont like how easily i can be thrown off my tracks.
im a mute drum, a loud butterfly, a happy blood tear...
thinking about him, about her, qabout having to confront them
FREAKS ME THE FUCK OUT
i can't... but i have to now that its out there.
he's mad, i know it.
and i sure hope he's not coming or i'll.... what will i do, how will i react?
i miss him so much, but im terrified to conront him on anything at all...
i gotta be strong though, caus i always have been and will be.
i have tov supress this angst... oh lord....
i need to go for a walk..
sigh.