FUCKER

I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
I AM SO HAPPY I DESRESPECTED YOU AND WALKED ALL OVER YOU AND HURT YOU
CAUS NOW
I WONT NEED YOU
ANYMORE
YOURE DONE
I CAN MAKE MY OWN WAY DONT WORRY
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# Posted on Tuesday, 23 June 2009 at 5:28 PM

Broken Home

Broken Home

I can't seem to fight these feelings
I'm caught in the middle of this
My wounds are not healing
I'm stuck in between my parents
I wish I had someone to talk to
Someone to I could confide in
I just want to know the truth
I just want to know the truth
Want to know the truth
Broken home
All alone

I know my mother loves me
But does my father even care
If I'm sad or I'm angry
You were never ever there
When I needed you
I hope you regret what you did
I think I know the truth
Your father did the same to you
Did the same to you
I'm crying day and night now
What is wrong with me
I cannot fight now
I feel like a weak link
I'm crying day and night now
What is wrong with me
I cannot fight now
I feel like a weak link
A weak link
Broken home
All alone

It feels bad to be alone
Crying by yourself, living in a broken home
How could I tell it so y'all could feel it
Depression strikes me hard like my old earth would tell it
To me, her daughter, she told me I'm the one
Pain bottled up about to blow like a gun
Stories that I tell are nonfiction
And you can't take it back caus it's already done
Broken home
Broken home
Can't seem to fight these feelings
Caught in the middle of this
My wounds are not healing
Stuck in between my parents
Broken home
Broken home



Let that ray of sun come over me and purify my body, spirit, and mind.
I've got a brick wall behind my door.
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# Posted on Friday, 19 June 2009 at 12:14 AM

speechless over the edge and just breathless

I do not know where the wind blows.
I do not know which way the river goes.
I have no clue about the tears of the wheeping willows.
And I never know if my emotion of the moment really shows.
I strive to understand the world around me,
And yet I feel lost and pushed away with no sympathy.
The things I think, the actions that have made me
Reflect a person I can barely see.
I'm not one of them, and I don't think I'm me.
I'm really angry at myself and everything,
and I feel like crying at every moment I seem to be sharing.
My fists clench my blood thickens and my ears ring,
This state of mania and hopelessness are drowning....
I feel frustrated at my mother, I feel annoyed by the rain,
I reject health issues and responsibility, and instead accept pain.
I feel happy when I smoke ganja, the rest of me is then put to shame.
I remember more moments of my life that are sad than there are happy ones..
How can I say that when I have had access to a million more emotions?
I feel angered that the momentum has passed...
Its starting to feel like it did, a moment to last.
But I will say strong, I will stand still,
Because that is what I always do and even though it looks like I give up, I am still going to Mcgill.
I want to be proud of myself and not care about her as I show off to,
But I pity my case and hate to hurt her and myself through and through.

I can't write anymore even though I have more to say,
I had such a bad day and such a bad night.
My math exam is on friday its wednesday night I haven't started studying and it includes 5 units.
I'm fucked.
I have to get a job before we leave for the summer or my mom is keeping me 15 extra days with my grandma in the middle of nowehre keeping me from people in toronto i will not see for so long, like um, my boyfriend?
Speaking of which, I dont know whats going on, but because of my anger I think we're getting annoyed with each other and its really sad caus thats how its always been with me and everyone else. We care too much for each other but it just results in keeping things or taking jokes too seriously. I don't know. I always fuck things up with guys anyways.
I leave Tuesday.
So it is the end, soon, so so soon.
Now I can release it.
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# Posted on Wednesday, 17 June 2009 at 11:00 PM

i'm the narrator and this is just the prologue

i get bored of myself and my words easily.
i often change pictures on facebook and often revisit my description.
i like to change my own image of myself often, because i don't know what i like..
but i will find out.
i'm caught in a tunnel and i can see the light at the end, but the tunnel is long.
right now, this tunnel is drowning.
my mood swings due to lack of medication is scaring me,
but i feel like when i'm around my friends, those swings calm down,
or come up in forms of hyperness.
we're still so young and desperate for attention..
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# Posted on Saturday, 13 June 2009 at 6:15 PM

.

and all of a sudden... it comes back down on me like a knife.
this time, there is no catalyst.
its not often that this severe feeling comes with no catalyst.
everything is fine.. and yet i feel so sad and helpless..
fuck, its the meds isnt it?
havent taken them in a few days... i dont want to depend on something for myself.
but now i feel like shit.
i guess ill take one tomorrow...
but still... i feel like shit again.
tears come easily.
i havent felt this in a while, and it feels good to actually FEEL something..
aie aie aie.... i dont like how easily i can be thrown off my tracks.
im a mute drum, a loud butterfly, a happy blood tear...
thinking about him, about her, qabout having to confront them
FREAKS ME THE FUCK OUT
i can't... but i have to now that its out there.
he's mad, i know it.
and i sure hope he's not coming or i'll.... what will i do, how will i react?
i miss him so much, but im terrified to conront him on anything at all...
i gotta be strong though, caus i always have been and will be.
i have tov supress this angst... oh lord....
i need to go for a walk..
sigh.
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# Posted on Sunday, 07 June 2009 at 9:43 PM

we are nothing but dust crumbs, if not nothing

Toronto.
Canada.
Earth.
Solar System.
Galaxy.
Cluster of galaxies.
Cluster of clusters of galaxies.
Space, Expanding Big Bang.
the Universe.

How insignificant are we?
I can't wrap my head around this.
We are so.... nothing.
Everything is so important here.
Life is so complex as to install a new level of disregard of anything other than ourselves.
What about... what's not life?
We could entirely be zapped from the universe, and that would have zero impact on anything that actually matters.
Its just all so.. unreal.
We mean nothing, and if it wasn't for life's capacity to want to create more life by being selfish, nothing would actually matter.
Thinking about this stuff could make me go for ages sitting in a dark hole.
Care to join?
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# Posted on Sunday, 07 June 2009 at 6:15 PM

the truth hurts, but lies are worse

Its a neverending tunnel..
I'm trying to find a way out, but she will always be out to chase me until I've completely fulfilled her every desire. Nothing I do makes it right, nothing I do makes her happy. Only rarely is there a smile, like at prom... that was a rare happy day..
Man, I can't ever feel good about myself here. I feel like a failed loser and I don't believe in myself at all.
I'm a useless fat coward with no future who sits on her bum all day.
The way I am portrayed by my her is summed in that sentence.
Only when I'm away from home do I start to feel truly happy... there's so much emotional bullshit here, its like everything I say against her is replied with ''its your dads fault, ive done everything i could'' and ''you're this youre that.. oh but its normal youre ONLY seventeen youre a baby how do you expect me to trust you at all''
and theres him.. ah fuck. almost done. i just wish i wouldnt have to be so far from alex.. its gonna hurt a lot.

Prom was fun, it was a twirl of ending happiness, of mature young adults growing up, of hugs and tears and beautiful people. I felt thankful to be with all my favorite people for most of the time and was willing to help out my little lost soul.... <33
the truth hurts, but lies are worse
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# Posted on Monday, 01 June 2009 at 7:28 PM

maybe i'm the one at faut, but you're the one who made me

Dear mother,
you hurt me.
everyday, you nag me.
i hurt, i cry, i scream into my pillow, and i tell you what you're doing wrong.
stop yellingat me, stop holding my arm back when i want to go.
stop repeating the things about me you hate.
i'm not fat. i'm not a failure. i'm not irresponsible.
i'm not stupid. i'm not a baby. i'm not worse than my sister.
i'm your daughter, and sometimes, it feels like i don't make a positive difference in your life.
why do you keep me around then?
you even threaten to send me away again, i bet that was easier than to deal with a teenager who won't have it all your way, huh?
i'm hurt. i hurt inside when you tell me these things.
my mom should be the one person who believes in me, who encourages me, who goes ecstatic when i get into a prestigious university, one who tells me i look pretty no matter how i am.
it hurts to be your daughter, because i feel like i'm never good enough.
and when i tell you these things, you think i'm just victimizing myself, you think i'm just guilt tripping you, but these are my real feelings, and when they are this strong, it hurts.
we have a bond, and we can get along. but it can't happen if you're always angry at me, mother.
elise is against me to please you, she's such a little suckup that she becomes a two sided bitch.
she tells you everything i do thats wrong and threatens to reveal my secrets i told her in trust so that she has something on me. i would never do that to her.
i know i'm at wrong sometimes, i know i fuck up, i know i forget things, i know i'm not perfect... but are you? is anyone? what are you doing wrong mom? is there any way you could make this better? i think there is.
i've tried to make it work. i stayed in one night out of two for almost the whole year for you.
i always ask if i can help out.
i try, what do you do? do you ever tell me the positives about me? no, only when i bring it up. some people tell me 'you're amazing, or you're funny, or you're cute', but i can't believe that because my own mother doesn't seem to. i know every single thing you hate about me, but i don't know what you love about me, so how do i know you really love me? where's the proof? the screaming? the anger? the accusations?
it hurts.. it really hurts. and its everyday. guess what mother, you call my friends the main source of my depression, i call it my family. guess who's a bog part of this family? this one isn't hard to get.
i can't WAIT to get away from you. i do love you, but i don't love how you interact with me.
this is prom. it means something to me, you know. it hurts for you to threaten my prom night for a doctor's appointment i haven't made yet. if you ruin this prom, mother, you are going to regret it and remember it for a good while. you don't know the side of me that hurts back like some others do mother, but you can if you push me off the egde a little more. so you're threatening me, why can't i threaten you back?
love you
your failed daughter.
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# Posted on Wednesday, 27 May 2009 at 7:05 PM

you can't play on broken strings

I feel broken sometimes.
Like there is no hope.
Its liek a piercing arrow.
Its the forgetting of the taking of the meds,
Each time I forget for two days in a row, I get massive cryign fits at night,
Obviously triggered by the one and only sister.
My mind races, the tears pour, the anger builds, the need to hurt and the want for the rush thickens.
I think of my friends, that are all so selfish, as am I, I know, but that seem to want to appear perfect.
When I love them a little less than before.. maybe its a good thing.
I don't know where I am, why I still live..... Why.... whats the point
When I am of use to no one, when I just use up everyones time and money for nothing.
When I flood the world with my tears, when I feel like shit...
I cant see what im typing, the keyboard is getting wet.
I don't know who to turn to but him, and if I tried with the girls, I wouldnt get much real care.
I sing my lullabye.
Mom please hurry on to me, I wiated up so patiently.
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# Posted on Sunday, 24 May 2009 at 10:54 PM

Smiling has never felt so good.

It has been a while since I las entered anything into this blog.
I guess I have been able to keep my mind busy and rolling enough to resort to releasing my anger through blogging. At many points this has been my only outlet for anger, considering my only other option is harmful and unreasonable.
Having my friends around me is really the best thing for me.
I know I always have conflicts with accepting myself and respecting who I am and who I have become, but the ones who surround have kept my head up high and have made me value myself in a way that I can accept.
One recent relationship formed has also made me a littly joyful girl.
I always had troubles in relationships with lovers before, and after a month or so, the spark always died and I found myself questionnign every aspect of what the other person was doing wrong.
Deep inside though, I always knew it was my fault for not opening up or having the will to try to make it work.
Alexandre has made me see further than actions and words, and the moments we spend together have no time, no limits, no restraint. I truly care for him and I don't know what I'm going to do without him in what seems like the shortest time to come.
I wish I had met you earlier, to elongate those sensual and truly happy moments with you.
I have kept sane through our insane moments and though it was hard to get him, I now have a devoted relationship with the one guy who's smile can make all my pain disappear.
I believe in true love, and I know I'm still young and naive and I don't know anything about love... but isn't that said by the most bitter people because they lost the love the once knew existed or weren't fortunate enough to ever experience it this early? I would say so.
I don't know what Love is supposed to feel like, but I still get butterflies.. and thats saying enough for me!
I am thankful for the people in my life, even my family, and I am now aware of how much I'm going to miss everyone so much next year.. But it will be a new beginnign and montreal looks to be promising!
I am terrified, but so damn excited!
I guess I can say I'm better now, with the occasional downfalls.
I can't wait to get my life going, and hopefully all the beautiful souls around me can be part of it for as long as possible <3
Smiling has never felt so good.
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# Posted on Monday, 18 May 2009 at 12:57 AM